People in love make me want to vomit
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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