I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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