life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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