he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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