I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
not ubering you a puppy
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
