you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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