If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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