Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
