Moan for me like Helen Keller
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
A bitchslap is in order.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
