TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
