She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
