If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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