There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
FUCK WHALES
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
