About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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