he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
