Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
