Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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