Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
