I don't usually arrange sex via text message
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
