My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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