I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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