Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
