Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
