Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
