i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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