I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
this boner is exhausting
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
