the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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