I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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