is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
