Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize