history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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