Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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