omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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