I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
