but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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