mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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