I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i wish my penis had a tongue
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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