The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
