I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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