I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
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