Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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