dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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