The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm too high and old for this...
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