my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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