Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
