That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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