Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
