I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
