omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
