The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
