Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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