even my farts smell like vagina
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
