I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
