Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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