this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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