I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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