new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
