i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
