The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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