yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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