some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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