hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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